Zombie Apocalypse? No Problem. Costco’s Got You Covered.

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Photo: Pixabay

We live in a time where fear-mongering is a legitimate business. Churches are in on it. The government is in on it. And of course, everyones’ favorite membership warehouse club, Costco, is as well. Even they know that one day their free samples won’t be there, so if you must take more than one cup on your next visit, at least now you have an excuse! (Or maybe not, because I’m not too sure how far “the zombie apocalypse” will get you before they call somebody…)

Costco has an entire section of its website dedicated to emergency food kits. On the product description for one of its one-year food kits, Costco writes, “Enjoy the comfort in knowing you have the essential foods your family will need to survive an emergency or natural disaster!” And how could you not, with food kits including a variety of freeze-dried fruits and veggies, dairy product powders, and instant beans. With varying shelf lives, consumers need to be mindful of rotating their stash, but that’s not too much to ask in the face of the apocalypse, right?

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A year-supply food kit for a family of four ($6000 USD)/ Photo: Costco.com

Costco has a variety of food kits ranging $1000-$6000 (USD). They have kits for a single person, as well as ones to feed families of four or more, depending on how you divvy up the goods. And to make things easier, they’ll even discreetly ship the kits right to your doorstep, with what seems to be free shipping. I don’t really know how discreet the UPS driver dropping off an entire pallet of unmarked boxes can be, but if Costco says they can do it, who am I to question them? (They’re Costco for crying out loud. A god-tier retailer.)

And you’d better hope the shipping is discreet because once word travels around your block that you’re stocking up for the apocalypse, only a couple of events can ensue. Either your neighbors label you the neighborhood weirdo, or they load up on weapons and devise a plan to take all that food from you. (Hey, I’ve seen enough The Walking Dead to know how situations like this usually end! It’s either kill or be killed.)

It’s every cliché you’ve been hearing your entire life. Survival of the fittest. Only the strong survive. Yadda yadda yadda. And in an apocalyptic situation, these words can’t be any more true. It doesn’t matter how many resources you have, how much food you’ve stocked up, or how nice your bunker is (I’m looking at you the wealthy elite) because at the end of the end of the day, all it really boils down to is who has the most weapons. Guns vs. Food. That’s how the world will end. I’m calling it right now! (MMW)

Another reason why this Costco-backed apocalyptic plan might not be the best idea is simply because, if I’ve learned one thing from watching The Last of Us streams on Twitch, it’s the importance of staying mobile. Nothing good ever comes to anyone who stays in one place for too long. But if you drop 6K on a supply of food, I can see why you might be hesitant to leave your house. One, that’s a whole lot of money, which holds no value in the apocalypse, to be honest. And two, it’s just heavy as f*ck! Ain’t nobody got time to be trying to lug around an entire pallet of canned beans. That’ll get you got faster than anything else out there!

So your best bet is to buy as much food and supplies you can carry in a backpack and call it a day. Because once you stop moving, you’re a goner. (And they said video games and TV would never teach us anything. Thanks AMC’s The Walking Dead!)

The backpack is the best method, unless you plan on building one of those grandiose survival condos out in the Middle-of-Nowhere, Kansas, because living above ground with a sh*t-ton of food is always a bad idea. People will do whatever it takes to survive out there, and they don’t care who they hurt (or kill, even) in the process. So you have to be prepared for anything that may come at you in the post-apocalyptic world. Whatever you choose. Be it, Food. Weapons. Or Shelter. Make it a wise decision and be prepared to have a plan to acquire the others.

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A grandiose bunker in the Czech Republic/ Photo: CNN.com

Now, I’m sure a lot of you are asking, “What if I don’t want to survive the apocalypse?” And I feel you, my friend. Trust me. I mean, I barely want to be alive most days as it already is, but if you strip away my Internet access, memes, and tofu scrambles, what reason is there for me to even attempt to go on in this world? I don’t want to spend the rest of my days living in fear eating freeze-dried lentils in a bunker somewhere far away from my current home. Nothing about the idea of that appeals to me. Thanks, but no thanks, Costco.

When it comes to these food kits, they’re a great idea for natural disasters (i.e. hurricanes, tornadoes, and the like), but as far as using them to survive in a world full of zombies, I’m good. I’ll leave the fighting to those of you who want to fight, but as for me, as soon as that wi-fi loses connection, I, too, will lose any connection I’ve ever had with this planet. (Yes, I’m being dramatic, but it’s true!)

And for those of you who don’t have a Costco membership (first of all, what’s wrong with y’all?), here are a couple of other retailers selling similar food kits:

  • My Patriot Supply (The name of this website already has me feeling a bit uncomfortable.)
  • Overstock (I honestly thought all they sold was furniture, but a hustle is a hustle, I guess!)
  • Sam’s Club (If you don’t have a membership, once again, you might be SOL.)

When the apocalypse hits, stay alive, my friends. And good luck out there!

Xoxo, Apocalypse Elle.

 

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