A Eulogy for Geoffrey the Giraffe

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We are gathered here today to remember a friend. An icon. A legend.

Geoffrey the Giraffe.

With the news of Toys “R” Us closing its remaining stores, I will use this as a time to mourn the end of an era. The era of the Toys “R” Us kids.

Our friend Geoffrey spent many a day encouraging us to never grow up, and to instead, remain Toys “R” Us Kids. And while I’m sure he had ulterior motives (namely, money), Geoffrey was quite right with that advice because all I ever do these days is work and pay bills. In hindsight, I really should have just remained a Toys “R” Us Kid. Why didn’t I listen to you, my long-necked friend? Why?

Geoffrey was a huge part of most millennial nerds’ childhoods. Before we could even read and write, we knew that we, indeed, did not want to grow up and that what we really wanted to do was spend the remainder of our days here on Earth as Toys “R” Us Kids.

As a child, going to Toys “R” Us was the highlight of my week, and even as an adult, I often found myself entranced by the aisles and aisles of toys surrounding me. I got lost in Toys “R” Us perhaps more as an adult, than I did as a child. I mean, at what other store can you buy Pokemon cards, a new controller for your Switch, and a huge plush unicorn all in once place?

Target you say? Yeah.

Wal-Mart? Most likely.

Amazon? Of course.

But did any of your friends work at those stores? No!

I felt a sort of loyalty to Geoffrey. He’d been in my life for almost as long as my parents, had, and I wasn’t going to just leave him hanging like that. He was a little pricey at times, but aren’t most of the finer things in life? And Geoffrey had focus too. He stayed true to his roots: toys. He didn’t try to do it all like the the stores I’d previously mentioned.

Never again, will I be able to walk through a store and know that 100%, wherever I go in that store, I will be met with toys. Geoffrey knew I wanted, and he gave it to me. Even if I didn’t buy anything, I always walked out of Toys “R” Us with a sense of euphoria.

Gone are the days of phonebook-sized Christmas catalogs.

Over are the days of carefully picking your ticket from the wall and claiming your prize at the register.

Finished are the days of singing the Toys “R” Kid jingle and have it actually mean something.

That era is over for us Toys “R” Us Kids. Our friend Geoffrey has shepherded us into adulthood and taken the title of Toys “R” Us Kid with him. I would like to thank Geoffrey for giving us such an invaluable part of our childhood. I honestly couldn’t imagine what life would’ve been like without him and Toys “R” Us.

Thank you, Geoffrey. Thank you for everything that you have done. You will never be forgotten. Rest in peace, my old friend.


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